I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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