Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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