girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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