I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
