Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Last time i carry you out of a forest
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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