only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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