he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
