you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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