My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
