Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
