dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
try to milk me bitch
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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