Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
