you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
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There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
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Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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