i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
