Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
