rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
