Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
