fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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