the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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