I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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