Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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