Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
