he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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