I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
