operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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