The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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