fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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