i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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