I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
