You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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