um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
