There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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