I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize