It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
