youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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