the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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