I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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