Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
