I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
