my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
