I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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