I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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