how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.