someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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