dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
