I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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