Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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