Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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