I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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