I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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