If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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