What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.