I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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