I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
