to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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