Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
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They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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