i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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