Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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